Fractured
by JaggedHands
Summary: Amanda is struggling with the aftermath of Patton's trial.
1. Chapter 1

Fractured

Chapter 1 of 3

 **Hi guys, I'm back with a 3 part fic that I actually wrote some time ago but never published it. Hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Leave a review if you can!**

 **Cheerios xxx**

"Where is she? She's almost an hour late." Liv grumbled as she, for the fifth time, looked at her watch, rolling her eyes at Amanda's tardiness and how inconsiderate she was towards her colleagues that had no other choice but to pull her weight in her absence.

"She probably has a lot on her mind, Liv. The whole Patton trial has been really hard on her. Give her a break, it's not like we're busy at the moment." Fin explained, looking at his boss with soft and concerned eyes. "Maybe she just overslept, I'll try calling her again."

As he reached for his phone a large hand was placed on his lower arm, stopping his movements. "Don't bother, I'll go over there in person. Will you hold the fort for a couple of hours?"

"You know I will, Liv. Just don't be too hard on her, she feels bad about this Patton situation and she's beating herself up over it." he informed his boss who now had her jacket on and her black leather handbag resting on her arm, ready to leave.

"Why should she feel bad? She did nothing wrong, except for not showing up for work today." she sighed in exasperation.

Fin raised his eyebrows and threw his boss a look. "You know why she feels bad, Liv. She feels guilty about what happened to Reese Taymore. She's beating herself up over it and blames herself for not prosecuting Patton back in Atlanta. She feels like it's her fault."

"But it's not." Liv stated matter of factly even though she understood why Amanda would feel that way.

"Liv." the senior sergeant said firmly, rolling his eyes and rose to his feet. "I know that you know it's not that simple. She looks up to you, Liv and she thinks that you're disappointed in her for not reporting it earlier and let this happen to someone else."

Olivia's heart sank and her chest tightened at Fin's words. She knew that Amanda had been thrilled about being transferred to the Special Victims Until in New York and even more so when she realized that she would be working with Olivia Benson but she didn't know that the blonde saw her as a role model or someone to look up to and that almost broke her heart. "I'll talk to her."

"Just thread carefully." Fin shouted after her as she left the precinct with steady and solid steps, determined to get to the bottom of all this and let Amanda know that everything that had happened wasn't her fault. Not one single bit of it.

The apartment building was quiet as Olivia walked down the long corridor towards Amanda's front door, a heavy and sad feeling rested inside her stomach as she got closer to her destination, slightly nervous and anxious about the upcoming and inevitable conversation. She knocked twice on the door, listening intently but heard nothing from behind the hard wooden barrier and she hoped that the blonde was home and not somewhere else as she was now worried and concerned about her detective's welfare as Fin's words were still running through her mind.

The second time she knocked she heard loud clatter from inside, followed by a choked muttering of, probable, profanities before the lock clicked and the door swung open, revealing a tired and drawn looking woman standing in the doorway. Just as Olivia opened her mouth to say something to her subordinate, she spotted the tears in Amanda's pale blue eyes, that were noticeably bloodshot, and her heart sank even further, if that was even possible. Amanda bad been crying and it was obvious that she was still very upset and distraught by the sad and angry expression that were written across her pale and pasty features.

"Oh, honey." Olivia's voice was soft and comforting, as if she was talking to a fragile victim and not her strong and stubborn detective and that caused anger to well up from deep within Amanda's chest, close to hating her boss for sounding so loving and caring. The tall woman stepped inside almost immediately and closed the door behind her, reaching a hand out to touch Amanda lightly on the arm but the blonde pulled away as if she had been burnt.

"What do you want, Lieutenant?" she snapped, sounding harsh, empty and cold. She crossed her arms over her chest and looked to her left, not feeling confident enough to look her boss straight in the eye, afraid that if she did, she would break.

"You never showed up for work this morning and I got worried when I didn't hear from you. What happened? Are you okay?" it was obviously a stupid question since it was quite clear that the young detective wasn't alright and that she seemed to be very far from it and suddenly felt stupid for asking such a question.

Amanda snorted and couldn't stop a sarcastic chuckle from escaping her throat. "Worried!? Since when do you worry about me, Lieutenant? You didn't even call me, Fin did, like four times."

"And you didn't answer, Amanda." Liv said softly, taking in the disheveled appearance of her colleague in front of her, noticing that she was swaying slightly on her feet where she stood, rooted to the floor with a clenched jaw and darting eyes that seemed to be unfocused and glossy. "Have you been drinking?" looking around the kitchen and the livingroom she quickly spotted a nearly empty bottle of rum standing on the kitchen table, no glass in sight which made it quite clear that the young woman had been drinking it straight from the bottle.

"So what if I have?" Amanda stated. "Is that a crime, Lieutenant? Are you here to arrest me for drinking when I'm supposed to be on duty?" she turned around and walked further into the apartment, heading straight for the alcoholic beverage. "You know what? Don't bother! I quit." she grabbed the bottle and took a large swig of the burning liquid, feeling it trickle down her throat and settle inside her empty stomach.

She never got the chance to place the bottle back down onto the table as Olivia forcefully snatched it from her hand, walked over to the sink and poured the remaining liquid down the drain. "What the hell, Amanda!" she almost shouted, slamming the now empty glass bottle down on the counter and turned back to the blonde who didn't look even the slightest bothered. "What has gotten into you? How much have you had to drink? The bottle was nearly empty, did you drink all of it?"

It was now clear that Amanda had consumed a substantial amount of alcohol but exactly how much was a good question. She was somewhat surprised at how steady the blonde seemed to be on her feet, only an occasional sway here and there, and her speech didn't seem to have been compromised at all. The only give away was the glossy and unfocused stare from the bluest of eyes and she could also detect the smell of alcohol as she came closer to where the blonde was standing.

"I'm quite cabable of holding my liquor, Lieutenant. Besides, there's more where that came from." she nodded towards the now empty bottle and huffed, running a hand through messy fair tresses. "I'd like you to leave." Amanda tried, wanting to be on her own even though she knew there was no way Olivia was going to leaving her alone, not like this.

"You know as well as I do that I can't and I won't leave you like this. What kind of person would I be if I just left my friend alone during a time when she definitely shouldn't be? I know you well enough to know that you want to be left alone right now but there's no chance in hell that I'm just gonna walk away from here."

Sighing in frustration, Amanda headed towards one of her kitchen cabinets, opened it and retrieved an already opened bottle of vodka. "Well, you can watch me drink or you can join me. Your choice." she unscrewed the top, ready to take her first gulp when she suddenly felt a firm hand on her shoulder, stopping her movements. In the blink of an eye, Amanda was back in Atlanta, back in chief Patton's office and back to her old stomping ground.

Fear immediately kicked in and she swung around, dropped the bottle onto the floor with a loud shattering bang, covering her face with her arms and hands, pleading for the invisible perpetrator not to hurt her. "NO! Please, don't touch me! Please, stop hurting me." her back was pressed up against the kichen counter, feeling trapped and threatened, the sharp pieces of glass digging into her bare feet, causing blood to slowly seep onto the floor.

"Jesus, Amanda!" Liv was quick in her actions, wanting to minimize the risk of the blonde cutting herself any further and she scooped her up in her arms, carried her to the sofa and gently put her down on the plush cushions. Her body was stiff and cold from fear, shaking uncontrollably as she whimpered in Olivia's strong embrace. "Amanda, calm down, honey. It's just me, Olivia. I'm not going to hurt you."

The cries died out fairly quickly and blue eyes suddenly snapped fully open, embarrassed and shame creeping up on her face and she tried to get away. "I'm... I'm so sorry, Lieutenant. I don't know what came over me, I... I'm fine, I'm okay."

Olivia almost felt the need to laugh at Amanda's last statement but she managed to hold it in and, instead, she firmly placed both hands on each side of the blonde's wet cheeks. "You're not fine, sweetie. You're upset, you're shaking and you're bleeding. You have nothing to be ashamed of here, not with me, okay? Just take a minute to catch your breath." the pads of her thumbs tenderly stroked Amanda's temples as she held her face so softly in her grasp, all kinds of emotions bubbling up inside of her while she watched her young colleague and friend struggle to calm her nerves.

Amanda could feel her own heart hammering wildly inside her chest and she was almost sure that the Lieutenant could hear it. "I'm so sorry." she whispered repeatedly, mortified that she had reacted to her boss' touch like that when she knew perfectly well that there was no one else inside the apartment but the two of them and that Olivia would never hurt her.

"Shhh, don't apologize, honey. It's okay." she soothed, moving her thumbs down a bit to wipe the tears as they fell. "Where is your firstly aid kit? Is it in the bathroom?" Amanda just nodded shakily and whimpered slightly at the loss of contact as Olivia pulled away. "Stay here, I'll be right back."

Hurriedly, she entered the bathroom, opened up the cabinet above the sink, where she thought it might be, and spotted it straight away. To her relief it didn't look like Amanda had moved an inch from her position on the couch and she was now staring into space with a vacant and distant look in her eyes, as if she was, in a mental capacity, somewhere else. "Got it." Liv announced, smiling reassuringly as she sat back down a couple of feet away. "I'm gonna have to clean this out, honey, so I can assess the damage. Hopefully you won't need stitches but I need to know how deep the cuts are. It's going to hurt so try to think about something else, okay?"

Gently, she cleaned the damaged areas of her feet, realizing that the right one was worse off than the left. Carefully, she held Amanda's cold and bare feet in her hands, thoroughly scanning the soles for any serious injuries and noticed something shiny and sharp sticking out from one of the deeper cuts. "There's a shard of glass stuck in your foot. I'm gonna have to take it out." she rummaged through the small bag of first aid necessities and spotted a set of tweezers in the bottom of it.

"I'll have to pull it out, okay. It's not that big but it's still gonna hurt so just take a deep breath and..."

"It's fine, just do it." Amanda mumbled, the large amount of alcohol was suddenly kicking in. "I probably won't feel a thing." she snorted and closed her eyes, ready for Liv to pull it out.

As gently as she could, Olivia carefully positioned the tweezers on each side of the protruding shard of glass and fished it out, drawing a painfilled whimper from the intoxicated woman. "Sorry, honey. Just give me a minute to clean and wrap your foot. Your left one is okay but this one needs to be covered."

During the whole process of Olivia cleaning and covering the deep cut, Amanda was silent. She didn't want to talk, didn't want to think or even sleep because of the nightmares that would more than likely kick in and she couldn't handle the aftermath of them. Drinking was the only solution to get a good nights sleep since she would consume so much of it and eventually pass out and not wake up until the next day, usually late for work which led to an angry and frustrated Olivia.

Her boss' voice brought her out of her deep thoughts and she was now aware that she had placed her foot on a cushion on top of the coffee table and covered her lower body with a blanket. "I'm gonna clean up the kitchen and then we're gonna talk and, before you start arguing, you have no choice in the matter. Whatever is going on with you needs to be addressed and dealt with because you can not go on like this."

Amanda just glared at the brunette. Every fibre of her being was boiling with anger but she was too infuriated to even utter a word in her defense so, instead of verbalizing her venomous comments, she used her eyes to shoot daggers at her boss while she swept and mopped the floor clean from the broken glass, high percentage vodka and diluted blood. After twenty minutes, a large glass of water along with two pain relievers were handed to her and Olivia's firm and determined gaze told her that there was no point in refusing. "I shouldn't be giving you pain killers after the amount of alcohol you've just consumed but I know your feet must be hurting you and your head will be next."

The water actually felt good against her dry and sore throat and she finished the whole glass in less than a minute, praying that it wouldn't all come back up later on as she had begun to feel slightly queasy. "I don't want to talk." she muttered into the silent room, directing her stare out the livingroom window. "Thanks for all your help, Lieutenant, but I'll be okay now."

"Not a chance, Rollins. I'm not leaving until you tell me what's going on. We're all worried about you. Carisi is silent, Fin is fuming, ready to tear Patton's head off if he ever saw his face again and I... I'm... I'm..."

"You're what, Olivia? Hmm? Frustrated that your other detectives are in a shitty mood because of me and can't do their job properly or up to your standards? Is that it? Is that why you're here?" she snapped, feeling her face turn red from anger and how her hands began to tremble.

Olivia's eyes softened at Amanda's words even though they were hurtful, knowing that she didn't really mean what she said and that it was just her raging emotions and the alcohol speaking. The couch squeaked slightly as she scooted closer to the seated blond and she carefully reached out and enveloped Amanda's cold hands in her own warm grasp, stroking her thumb across the back of it. "Heartbroken." came the faint and shaky reply, brown eyes watering. "I'm heartbroken for what happened to you back in Atlanta, I'm heartbroken for what Patton did to you, for what he made you do, I'm heartbroken that your own family turned their backs on you and I'm heartbroken that you think so little of yourself that you place all the blame and guilt onto your own shoulders where it doesn't belong. What happened to you and what happened to Reese was not your fault so please, sweetheart, stop torturing yourself."

There was no way she could've stopped the tears from falling even if she wanted to. The tightness that had rapidly been building inside her chest threatened to burst at any second and she felt like standing up and bolt right out of her apartment but that wasn't an option right now since her foot was literally sliced open and would probably cause more damage if she decided to put any pressure on it what so ever. "I caused this. I... I'm the one to blame."

Amanda's trembling and teary voice sounded like a whisper from a little girl that confessed her wrongdoings to her mother and waited for the appropriate punishment to be dished out but, of course, that never happened. Instead, she felt two strong and warm arms gently circle her waist, one hand was brought up to rest at the back of her head and she was lovingly pulled into the crook of Olivia's neck, deeply inhaling the comforting scent of her boss. "Amanda, sweetheart, you need to stop blaming yourself for something that wasn't your fault. If I have to remind you of this every single day until you can accept that, then that's what I'll do." she hushed and spoke soothingly into Amanda's ear, rocking them comfortably from side to side.

"I'm sorry for not showing up for work. I... I just didn't want to face any of you, thinking that you were all judging me and seeing me as a fucked up coward who was too afraid to report her own... her own... r... ra...pe." the last word was hard to say, especially out loud, and she then realized that she had never verbally admitted it to herself what had happened to her all those years ago and now, when she had said it, it all became real, too real and she began to cry in the earnest.

"Shhh, we would never judge you, sweetheart, never. We could never think such horrid things about you because they are simply not true. You are one of the strongest, most determined and driven people I know and that's what makes you such a good detective and a good person. We need you on our team, Amanda, because without you things would just simply not be the same." she cooed, hoping some of her words were reaching their target and that Amanda would listen.

"I... I just didn't want you all to see me as a victim or someone who can't look after herself in certain situations." she whimpered, now holding onto the back of Olivia's blouse, clawing and grasping at the silky material, causing creases to appear and would more than likely require ironing after Amanda's rough clutches. However, Olivia didn't mind. If Amanda needed this, she was more than willing to offer her the comfort and closeness that she so clearly needed.

"But you were victimized, honey, and that wasn't your fault. Everyone in the squad knows how independent and strong you are and I use to be the same, still am, but I've also learnt over the years that asking for help or exposing your feelings is not a sign of weakness or vulnerability. It's the complete opposite and it shows just how strong you really are. I'm proud of you Amanda, I really am." she praised as she continued to sooth the weeping woman in her arms, hushing her whimpers and drying her tears.

Olivia didn't let go or even loosen her hold for twenty whole minutes. As she felt the body in her arms turn heavy and slack against her own, she could hear Amanda's breathing follow suit and for a moment she thought that she had fallen asleep until a faint and exhausted voice whispered into her neck. "Tired."

Knowing that Amanda would be more comfortable in her own bed, she gently pulled away and peered down into blue half open tired eyes and stroked her cheek with her knuckles. "You want to lie down in your bed." she whispered, her lips ghosting the soft and warm skin of Amanda's forehead as she spoke and she could feel the smaller woman nod against her shoulder. "Okay, honey, just wrap your arms around my neck and I'll lift you up."

"I can walk." the blonde insisted, even though her eyes were now closed and her tone was mumbled and faint.

"No, you can't honey, not with the cuts on your feet. It's okay, let me do this for you."


	2. Chapter 2

Fractured

Chapter 2 of 3

"She's okay, Fin. She's sleeping at the moment but she's okay. I..." she sighed and rubbed a hand across her face, tired and resigned. "I don't feel comfortable leaving her like this. Could you cover for the day?"

"What do you mean 'like this'. What's going on, Liv? Is Amanda okay?"

She could hear the worry etched in Fin's voice, obviously concerned for his partner's welfare as it was not like Rollins to be out sick or absent from work. "She's... she's okay. I... I don't want to go into detail. I think the Patton trial was a bit too much for her and it's hitting her hard just now." she explained, pacing back and forth inside Amanda's livingroom/kitchen area, her own stomach in knots for what her colleague and younger detective had gone through back in Atlanta and how everything had resurfaced again with Reese and then the trial. She remembered Amanda saying once that 'every pot has a lid' and clearly the lid that covered her own pot was now being blown off due to the pressure that had been brewing for quite some time.

"You're making me worried, Liv. Do I need to come over there?"

"No!" she almost yelled into her phone, knowing that it would be too much for Amanda if her partner, who were very close to her, showed up and magnified everything. "I don't think she would appreciate two of us hanging over her, asking her questions. She needs to process this in her own time. You know what she's like." she sighed and leaned up against the kitchen counter. "Please, just cover for me today, Fin."

"No worries, just make sure she's fine and that we're thinking of her. I'll just tell Carisi that she's not feeling well and that you had a personal thing to sort out. We'll be fine, Lieu. Take care of her."

He sounded sad and Liv smiled faintly onto the phone, glad that Amanda actually had people caring for her, especially when her own family was out of the picture. "I will, Fin. Call me if you need me for anything. Hopefully I can be of help over the phone."

They ended the phone call. Fin reluctant to hang up as he was worried about his partner but knew that Liv was probably the perfect person to have around if Amanda was overwhelmed from the trial and everything that had happened lately.

Olivia quietly tip-toed towards Amanda's bedroom. The door had been left slightly ajar and she leaned her tall body against the frame of it, looking at the sleeping form underneath the covers, watching how the blonde's facial expressions seemed to be pained and distressed even in her sleeping state. It tugged at Olivia's heartstrings as she studied the sleeping woman, sadness, sympathy and empathy clouded her eyes and she felt guilty for having been so snappy and abrupt when she had spoken to Fin about Amanda earlier that morning, being annoyed and slightly angry at Amanda for not showing up for work on time, or at all for that matter.

She didn't know that her younger detective had been suffering so but, then again, nobody did since she was so good at hiding her feelings and was a professional when it came to convincing other people that she was fine and in no need of anyone's help. She was the most stubborn and independent person Olivia had ever met and getting through Amanda's protective walls and armour of steel would be difficult, if possible at all.

The blonde began to stir underneath the blankets, head turning from side to side as soft and painful moans slipped through her slightly parted lips. It was agonizing to watch Amanda in such distress, clearly not able to get a break even in her sleep and that worried Liv. The fact that she had only been asleep for thirty minutes was also alarming, knowing that she needed way more sleep than that to fully function and, by the looks of it, Amanda hadn't gotten much shut eye at all lately, judging by the circles under her eyes, her pale skin and the lack of energy.

Another moan brough Liv back to the present and she slowly approached the bed, keeping her voice low and velvety. "Amanda? Amanda, honey, wake up. It's just a bad dream." without a second thought, she reached out and placed a caring hand on the upset woman's shoulder but, as soon as she came in contact, Amanda's eyes flew open, her arms were brought up to protect her face from invisible oncoming blows and her mouth was open in a silent scream of terror and fear.

Liv quickly withdrew her hand and held them both up in the air in front of her, showing the distraught blonde that she ment no harm. "Easy, I'm not gonna hurt you. You were just having a bad dream, Amanda, you're okay."

Amanda's defensive demeanor hesitantly ebbed as she realized that it had only been Liv's hand touching her and no one else's. "Wha... what are you still doing here, Lieutenant? I assumed you would leave as soon as I fell asleep. What's going on?"

As the brunette took a step closer she could make out a few beads of sweat glistening on Amanda's forehead and upper lip, obviously created by the disturbing and terrifying dream. "What's going on?" Liv repeated. "Honey, I found you, drunk off your ass, worried why you didn't come into work this morning, your left foot is torn into shreds from stepping on glass and you just suffered, what appeared to be, a very upsetting nightmare and you're asking _me_ what's going on?"

Rolling her eyes, Amanda pushed herself up against the headboard, winching slightly from the burning sensation in her injured foot and a headache from hell that was steadily growing beneath her temples. "I wasn't that drunk and my foot would've been fine if you hadn't shown up." she snapped, tossing the covers to the side, attempting to get up.

"Whoa! You can't walk on that foot." Liv quickly stated while stopping her dead in her tracks from doing more damage to the injured part of her limb. "I'll help you wherever you need to go but you're not walking on your foot, understood?" she didn't mean to sound so firm and angry but she was getting somewhat frustrated by Amanda's sudden change in behaviour. Forty minutes ago, before she carried her in to the bedroom, the blonde had allowed herself to be held and comforted by the older woman, she had even opened up a small bit, but now all her armor was back up again and her defenses heightened.

Anger boiled inside Amanda's chest, ready to rip Olivia apart for speaking to her like she was a child and completely incapable of making her own decisions but she knew she was treading on thin ice already and held her tongue from speaking her mind. Instead, she swallowed her pride and anger and let Olivia help her to her feet and, by supporting some of Amanda's weight onto her, the blonde hopped on one leg into the bathroom. "Thanks." she muttered. "Do you wanna hold my hand when I take a piss too?"

Sighing, Liv rubbed her forehead in a tired fashion, feeling her energy level drop. "I think you're quite able to take care of your business without me but, please, do not walk out of here without my help."

"Fine." Amanda replied, annoyed, tired, embarrassed and angry at the same time. All she wanted was to be left alone and drink herself into oblivion but Liv had managed to ruin that for her too by pouring all her liquor down the drain.

After her toilet visit, Liv helped her back to the bed but Amanda had other ideas. "Just help me to the couch. I'll be fine there."

"You only slept for thirty minutes, Amanda. A half hour of sleep is not going to cure everything. You need to sleep off this alcohol induced state that you're in so we can talk about things because I'm not leaving until we do."

Olivia could see Amanda's eyes darken in colour and how her fists clenched until her knuckles turned white and her hands shaking. "I don't need to sleep, I'm fine. I was tired but I'm not anymore, simple as that." she argued. "And I'm not drunk. I'm totally capable of holding a proper and decent conversation so stop treating me like I'm not."

Liv held her hands up in the air and cocked her head to the side while drawing her lips into a thin line of frustration. "Fine. I'll help you out to the couch, make us some tea and then we're gonna talk because this is getting out of hand."

"Well, no one is forcing you to be here." Amanda snapped as she hopped on her left foot while Liv supported her from the right. When they reached the couch, Liv gracefully lowered her onto the plush cushions and gently placed her right foot on the coffee table.

"Yeah, well, I'm your boss and you're my detective, a very good one at that, and believe it or not but I do care for you and I care about what happens to you. What you're going through and what you're putting yourself through, by blaiming yourself, is toxic and it needs to stop." the tea was suddenly forgotten as Olivia sat down next to her, leaving a good few inches between them, not wanting to get too close in case it would make the other woman uncomfortable or cause her to run away.

Amanda kept her gace lowered and focused on the worn material of a pillow that she had grabbed and was now holding in her lap, fiddling with loose threads. "You're not my boss. I told you, I quit."

"Oh, so you're taking the easy way out?" Olivia spat, forcing herself to look at Amanda's hurt and angry expression, regretting her words instantly but knowing there was nothing she could do to take it back.

"Easy?!" the angered replied sounded like venom spitting from the younger woman's mouth. "You think this is easy? You have no idea what I've been dealing with for the past several years and you have the nerve to tell me I'm taking the easy way out? Well, fuck you, Lieutenant."

"Then tell me! Tell me what you've been dealing with, Amanda." Liv said in a raised tone, needing to get her point across and for her to listen. "Why don't you tell me about it instead of keeping it all inside? I know that the past couple of weeks have been especially difficult for you but if you keep this up, if you keep shutting everybody out and refuse to talk about it, things are not going to get better, and I know that for a fact." she took a deep shuddering breath, calming herself before continuing in a more soft and gentle tone.

"I'm here to listen, Amanda. I'm here as a friend, not your Lieutenant or your boss, just as a friend. You can't quit, honey. The team needs you, I need you and there are many people out there who needs you. Please, don't let a despicable man like Patton take control over you. The stubborn and bad ass detective that I know wouldn't let him win. She would fight with everything she has and rise above it, show Patton that you're stronger than him and make him feel as if he's the smallest man on earth." she paused briefly, studying the facial expressions of the blonde next to her, trying to determine if anything she had said had affected her in any way. "Please, if you don't feel comfortable taking to me then I know Fin or Carisi would listen or perhaps a therapist but whatever your feeling and holding onto inside, it had to come out."

Amanda wasn't sure what to say. She was still mad at her boss for insinuating that she was taking the easy way out by quitting her job and by deciding not to talk about her time in Atlanta, but there was also a part of her that was glad and relieved that they were currently in this situation where she actually had the opportunity to speak up and unload her fears and trauma to someone who would, without a doubt, understand. In fact, Olivia was probably the perfect person to confide in, especially when it came to delicate and sensitive topics like her own, but the mere thought of opening up scared her half to death.

"I don't need a therapist." she mumbled, her eyes and fingers still fixed on the loose threads on the cushion that she was still holding. "It's... it's not... it's not _you._ " she informed hesitantly. "Talking is just not my thing."

Olivia chuckled lightly at that statement. "No kidding?"

The blonde snorted in return, amused by Liv's accurate comment and threw her boss a quick glance. "You're really gonna make me talk about this, aren't you?" she questioned, feeling her energy level drop significantly at the thought of bringing her past back up to the surface but, then again, it had already been resurfaced by Patton and what he had done to detective Reese Taymore. She would never be free from that man. He would always be lurking inside the darkest corner of her mind, rearing his ugly head from time to time.

"I can't make you do anything you don't want to do. I can't force you, honey and, this might sound cliche but, talking about it does help and I know that you know that and I also understand that it's completely different when it comes to yourself. It's too close to home and you rather push it aside to never bring it back up again and it might work, for a while, until it catches up to you and throws everything off balance. You're strong, Amanda. You can do this." Olivia gently placed a hand over the blonde's fidgety fingers, to stop them from tearing up the whole cushion, and tenderly stroked her thumb over pale and soft skin.

The flashbacks came in short waves, throwing her back and forth between past and present. One second she was on her back, naked, cold and hurting, begging for mercy and for the pain to stop and the next, she was back on her own couch, safe and sound with Olivia next to her, even holding her hand. How had things become so out of hand that she could no longer keep her mind, her brain and thoughts, in the present without going back to the most traumatic time of her life? How on earth did she get here?

"I... I'm not... I don't know..." her voice broke and the ability to form a coherent sentense suddenly seemed impossible.

"Ease, take your time, sweetheart." Liv reassured as she became aware of her struggles. "Start at the beginning. Tell me about the first time it happened."

Amanda's eyes darted to meet Olivia's, in a surprised but also a shocked manner. She hadn't told anyone about the assaults, except for Barba but knew he would never betray her trust like that, he had promised, so how did Olivia know? When Amanda had asked to testify in court against Patton, Olivia had obviously put two and two together and figured out that something must've happened between Amanda and her former boss, but it was how Olivia had formed the question that surprised her. How did she know that there had been more than one time? How did she know that it had occurred on more than one occasion? Was she that transparent? Did her face reveal everything she didn't want anyone to know? Everything she had fought so hard for to keep buried and hidden away for everyone, including herself. Had she failed herself so miserably? It didn't matter now. Olivia knew. She just knew.

"I... I had been a detective for about two years before I was placed under Patton's command." she began, eyes fluttering as she tried to blink the memories away. "The first couple of months were great. We worked well together, cracked a lot of cases and brought justice to many victims but after some time... he changed."

"Changed how?" the softness of Olivia's voice was like a gentle whisper that whisked through the air and landed like a soft blanket over the younger woman's small frame.

Amanda could feel her eyes sting from unshed tears but she promised herself, there and then, not to cry and quickly swallowed her emotions in a desperate attempt to get rid of the powerful need to let the salty drops fall. "Um, he began to... to touch me whenever we were alone. Every chance he got he would grope me, caress me or grab at me. He made sure no one was around to see it just to gain more control and power over me. He was well respected, high ranked and had a great and honourable reputation that would put anyone to shame. There was no way anyone was going to believe me if I had disclosed and he made sure to keep it that way."

The hand that Olivia was holding had now began to tremble so she offered it a gentle reassuring squeeze. "Go on, honey, I'm listening."

Amanda blinked at the tears and cursed herself as one single droplet trickled down her cheek and she quickly brushed it away, hoping that Liv hadn't noticed. "I felt like I had no choice other than to grin and bare it. Going to work was no longer something I enjoyed or looked forward to but instead I began to dread it, dislike it until I eventually hated it." she shifted in her seat, hissing slightly as a sharp pain shot through her foot and she bit down on her lower lip, trying to hide it.

"One friday night we were both working late on a case, there was no one else around and he asked me to step into his office." she snorted, chuckling at the irony of it all. "I mean, how stupid am I, right? A red flag was waving right in front of my face and I totally ignored it. Who does that? I'm a detective, I should've known better but instead I went in there, hoping, wishing I was wrong but..." she couldn't finish her sentense, she knew that the past was in the past and it couldn't physically hurt her anymore but she couldn't stop her thoughts and mind from going back to that terrible and painful time. The first time it had happened.

"He raped you, didn't he?" Liv whispered softly, filling in the blanks, trying to make it a bit easier on the emotional blonde who had now started to tremble at the memory.

She swallowed her tears, drew her lips into a thin line and tried to smile. "I walked into it. I..."

"Amanda, honey, stop it. We both know that that's not true so stop blaming yourself. He used you, he took advantage of you and none of that was your fault." Olivia had scooted a bit closer to the other woman so their thighs were gently touching and she placed a hand on a toned and tense leg, offering support.

Amanda's sad smile still lingered on her lips as she turned her gace towards the older woman. "You don't understand." she said softly, her bottom lip quivering from pent up emotions.

"Then make me understand, sweetheart. You can tell me anything and I won't think any different of you. I promise you that."

There was a brief pause between the two before Amanda spoke again, confessing her deepest and shameful secret. "There were four more times after that, and they were all initiated by me."


	3. Chapter 3

Fractured

Part 3 Of 3

"What do you mean when you say that you initiated it?"

Olivia knew for a fact that trauma like this doesn't stay with you unless you were forced into something that you didn't want and she didn't believe for one second that Amanda would willingly participate in something so ugly and volatile. The self blame that victims often experienced after an assault was unfortunately very common, and sadly Amanda seemed to be in that category.

"Exactly what I said. I initiated it, all four times. I... I asked for it, I deserved it, I..."

"Whoa, whoa, hold on a second. No one deserves to be raped, honey, you know that, and I don't believe for a second that you asked for it. There's something you're not telling me." seeing Amanda's shoulder tense up and tremble broke her heart in thousand little pieces and she couldn't resist the urge to stroke the blonde hair away from her colleague's painfilled face to establish some kind of visual contact. "Tell me." she whispered and very gently rubbed a hand up and down Amanda's stiff back, feeling how hard and tense the muscles were underneath her touch.

Olivia was right, there was more to the story but that didn't change the fact that she was to blame for those four other times it had happened. The shame swept over her like a tidal wave and the mere thought of looking her Lieutenant in the eye made her feel sick to her stomach. "Kim, my sister, got into trouble with the law, you've met her, you know what she's like, and Patton said he could make the charges go away if um,... if I... if I did something for him... so I did, and the charges were dropped the next day. It kind of became a regular thing cause, let's face it, Kim is not exactly known for being a good girl. I did what I had to do, simple as that."

Olivia closed her eyes and felt her own tears burn in sympathy for her young detective. "Oh, honey, I'm so sorry you had to go through that but, no matter how much you blame and hate yourself for it, it wasn't your fault. He used you for his own sick pleasures, he used his position, his rank and hid behind his glorified reputation so he could do all these things. None of this is on you."

"Isn't it?" Amanda suddenly spat, her blue eyes shining from unshed tears, anger and sadness. "I knew! I knew what would happen if I walked inside that office and I still did it. What kind of a person does that? What does that make me, Olivia? Some deranged, twisted and fucked up human being who does her best to ignore all the red flags that are practically shoved into her fucking face!? Fuck, I'm so stupid!" she laughed while rubbing her palms over her tired and drained features, crying at the same time. "I'm as fucked up as they come." she chuckled as she kept her gace lowered, focusing on a miniscule crack on the wooden floor, her body visibly trembling from holding her anger and despair at bay.

Swiftly removing herself from the couch, Olivia hunkered down in front of her, gently grasping her shaking hands and held them carefully in her own, looking straight into wet blue eyes. "Amanda, honey, this has to stop. Blaiming yourself is not going to make things any better, besides, the blame is not yours to bear-, it's his and his alone. You did what you felt was necessary to save your sister and for that I can not fault you or think any less of you. What he did was wrong and I wish things could've been different for you back then, I really do. I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. So so sorry."

The overwhelming ray of emotions were too much and Amanda wished she had a bottle of Burbon or anything strong to wash her sorrows away but, since Liv had thrown everything alcoholic down the sink, she had no choice but to do without, with nothing to numb her senses. "It is what it is." Amanda shrugged and bit her lower lip to keep it from quivering, feeling pathetic and weak for not being able to have better control of her emotions.

"No, Amanda." came the soft reply and Liv tenderly brushed her knuckles over a soft cheek. "It was what it was. You need to let go of the pain, guilt and blame or it's gonna completely consume you. It has already started, honey, don't let it overpower you, don't let it win, you can fight this."

The blonde's left leg had began to shake, bouncing up and down in an almost vibrating fashion, a nervous and anxious habit that she never seemed to be able to get rid of ever since she was a child. The habit was getting the better of her. "I... I don't know how." she confessed, her throat audibly clogged with emotion and her air passages suddenly seemed to tighten significantly, her chest also feeling constricted and heavy.

"You're already doing it, honey. You're talking to me, confiding in me. You've just told me the most painful and horrible time in your life and I know how hard that was for you. I know you don't trust people easily and sometimes that's a good thing and sometimes it's bad and, right now, it's bad." Liv smiled as she tightened the hold of Amanda's hand and placed her other on the still shaking knee, gently pressing down to stop it from bouncing up and down. "You can trust me, Amanda. Everything you've told me, and everything you might tell me, will stay between the two of us. It will never leave this room, honey. You've got my word." Liv stated, her voice full of promise, strength and hope, something Amanda never really had before but something that she desperately needed now.

Olivia could tell by the look of Amanda's body language that she was so close to breaking point. The blonde was like a bubbling volcano, getting ready to erupt and all that was needed was one final push to tip her over the edge but she was refusing to let that happen, holding onto the last bit of dignity and self respect that it nearly caused Liv herself to break down in tears over her friend's deep and raw agony. "Let it go, Amanda. Let yourself go for once in your life. You can't keep doing this to yourself, honey."

"I can't."

"Yes, you can. I'm right here and I won't leave your side, I promise." Liv whispered soothingly and rubbed her hand gently up and down Amanda's still slightly bouncing leg. She spotted a blanket hanging over the arm rest of the couch and lovingly, almost motherly, placed it over her shoulders and then brought the woman closer to her. Very slowly, she pulled the trembling body towards her, guiding Amanda's head onto her own shoulder, cradling her like she was the most precious thing on earth. "You can let go now, sweetheart. Just let go."

"I don't want to. I'm scared." Amanda confessed, her throat raspy and choked up, her nose stuffy and her chest ever so tight.

"What are you so scared of, hmm?" Liv cooed into her ear, kissing her temple softly. "Tell me, sweetie."

Amanda took a shuddering breath and swallowed thickly, hating herself for showing such vulnerability and weakness. "I... I'm afraid I won't be able to stop."

Frowning, Liv tightened her hold on the small rigid frame and shifted slightly where she was still hunkered down on the floor. "Stop what, honey? Crying?" Amanda simply nodded, not able to gather enough courage to verbally admit it herself. "Oh, sweetheart! Don't worry about that. Your body will stop when it's good and ready. Let youself feel, let yourself go."

The gentle and loving encouragement from her Lieutenant caused her tears to finally spill, wetting the older woman's silky blouse but neither seemed to care. Shaking, almost violently, Amanda took a strangled breath and a deep guttural moan escaped her constricted throat, the sound bouncing from wall to wall and left a permanent echo inside Olivia's heart.

"I can't, I can't!" she cried, doing her best to try and contain her sobs but failing quite miserably.

"But you're doing it, honey. You're doing it." Liv found herself smiling sadly as the blonde finally seemed to let herself break down, shattering into tiny little pieces of anguish and despair and all Olivia could do was to try and hold her together and pick up the shards that she could manage in the midst of the storm.

Shaking so hard against Olivia's supportive body, Amanda shamelessly crumbled. Her wails and roars so agonizingly painful that the brunette could no longer hold back her own stream of tears and began to cry with her friend, rocking them both from side to side while whispering comforting and loving words into her ear, peppering intermittent kisses on the top of her head.

"You're doing great, honey. It's okay, shhh, you're okay." there were no words that could make this ordeal any easier on Amanda, no words to sooth and spare her from the powerful inevitable sobs and pain that she was currently experiencing and it was extremely difficult for the older woman to witness.

Olivia's legs were starting to ache in the uncomfortable position she was in and, ever so softly, she shifted and began to stand, needing to stretch her limbs or at least change position. Amanda instantly began to panic and clawed at her boss' top in a desperate attempt to make her stay. "Please, please, don't go! I... I can't bear it if you left me now. Please!"

"Hey, sweetheart, I'm not leaving you. In my old age I can't sit for too long in the same position, makes my legs fall asleep." she smiled and stated softly, smoothing her hand over blonde tresses. "I won't let go of you, I promise."

Those words seemed to ease Amanda a bit as she calmed down enough to allow Liv to temporarily break the comforting hold that she so willingly offered. "I'm sorry." Amanda cried, feeling the need to apologize for her uncharacteristic behaviour and sudden break down.

Olivia was now seated next to her, still there, just as she had promised. "You have nothing to apologize for. Now, come here." she held her arms out, waiting for Amanda to accept the open gesture and, when she did, Olivia pulled her close to her chest once again. "It's okay to cry, to scream, to break. The most important thing is that you come out stronger at the other end."

Liv had engulfed her in a secure embrace, determined to keep the blonde safe and cared for during this difficult time and that she was willing to provide Amanda with whatever the blonde might need. "I'm so sorry that you've had such a rough time with the trial, Patton and Reese. I should've been there for you, I should've asked how you were doing and if you needed someone to talk to but instead I brushed it all aside, thinking that you were okay. You always come across so strong and independent and I just assumed you were doing alright considering everything that was going on. I guess I turned a blind eye to it and carried on as usual and I'm so sorry for that."

Amanda could tell that Olivia's words came straight from her heart and that she really and truly ment them. "But I wanted everyone to think that I was okay. I didn't want anyone to know." she cried pitifully into her Lieutenant's chest, feeling Olivia's long and gentle fingers comb through her hair, soothing her.

"I know, honey, but sometimes it's better to ask for help than to stay silent and keeping it all in. You have to learn how to let people help you because no one can, or should, go through life alone and not having anyone to carry your burdens and troubles. It's not healthy." she whispered, her left arm holding the shuddering frame tightly against her front while her right dried the tears as they fell. "How do you feel now, now that I know what went down back in Atlanta?"

It was a question that needed some time before it could be answered. She didn't know how or what she felt. She was just so tired and sick of it and all she wanted to do was to curl up into a little ball, pull a blanket over her head and sleep for days. "I don't know." came the faint reply and Olivia had to tilt her head down to hear her properly.

"That's okay." she reassured. "It's still very raw and fresh for you and since you never told anyone what happened to you, it probably feels even more scary and painful to bring it all back up again, hmm? It will take some time but I promise you that you will feel better after, like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders."

"I'm just so tired." Amanda mumbled into the older woman's chest, sniffling and whimpering involuntary, the control of her own body and senses seemed to have faded and she was left with a numb, exhausted mess of flesh and bone.

"I know, sweetheart, I know." she picked up the rocking motion again, swaying the young distraught detective in her arms like she was soothing a crying child. "Do you want to go and lie down in your bed? You'll be more comfortable there, honey."

The drained, pale and drawn features of Amanda could not be mistaken for anything else but exhaustion. She could see from her point of view how blue eyes fluttered, closing for a few seconds only to open them again, fighting to stay awake. "Don't want to be alone." she mumbled, a bit embarrassed for admitting such a thing, especially to her Lieutenant, her boss.

"Well, isn't it great that I'm here then?" Liv stated warmly and rubbed her hand up and down the blonde's defined back. "Come on, I'll help you get into bed."

Having temporarily forgotten about her injured foot, she attempted to stand but Olivia was quick and gently pushed her back down. "You can't walk on that foot, sweetie."

Frowning, Amanda looked around her as if she was searching for something. "How am I suppose to..." she didn't get a chance to finish her sentense before Liv gracefully swept her up into her arms, cradling her in a secure embrace. "Whoa!" she yelped as she was hoisted into the air, surprised by the sudden and unexpected course of action but, before she could say anything about it, she was sushed by Olivia.

"Shhh, it's okay. I might be old but my muscles are still in pretty good shape." she gently reassures.

Two slender arms were wrapped around Olivia's neck, the blonde's head resting on her shoulder, lulling from side to side as she walks into the bedroom and carefully lowers her down onto the mattress and covered her with thick blankets to keep the cold out. As the brunette pulls her hands away she feels a firm grip around one of her wrists and she stops to look down into two sleepy blue eyes.

"Please, stay." Amanda whispered faintly, already on the brink of sleep.

Liv could hear the need for comfort in her voice and also a hint of sadness. How could she possibly ignore or say no to her friend, who so obviously craved and needed her support and proximity in her vulnerable and weakened state. After brushing her knuckles up and down a pale cheek a couple of times, she lifted the covers and gracefully laid down beside the younger woman, feeling the warmth of her body against her own.

Laying on her side, facing Amanda, she ran her fingers through blonde hair, amazed at how soft it felt against her skin. The blue eyes were drooping but each time she reached the state of falling asleep, she would open then again, as if to check if her friend and Lieutenant was still indeed there.

"It's okay, sweetheart, I'm still here." she whispered and continued the soothing motion with her hand. "Would you like me to hold you?"

Too ashamed to admit it out loud, fearing that her voice would fail her, she nodded faintly and scooted closer as Olivia held her arms out, ready to provide the comfort and closeness that Amanda needed. "Come here, honey, you're okay. Just close your eyes and rest. I'll be here when you wake up." she promised, kissing a blonde temple close to her lips.

Amanda immediately relaxed inside Liv's loving embrace, her head resting on the brunette's shoulder, her left arm wrapped around Olivia's middle as her body snuggled up as close to her boss as possible, needing the warmth and security that the Lieutenant always seemed to possess.

Just as the older woman was about to fall asleep herself, Amanda's soft voice brought her out of her drowsy state.

"Liv?"

"Hmm?"

There was a brief silence before Amanda spoke again, her sleepy and muffled voice filled the quiet room. "You're not old."

The End


End file.
